Now What?
The following article is written by a former client whose story is important to share. I asked him to write this as he is not alone in his struggle to find help as the offender in his situation. The article is raw and written from a place of sincerity that is rarely found on the internet. It is written from his perspective as I requested, a man who has lived a life that was full of secrets and lies. The following article is written for the hurting, and more specifically for those that are the hurting because of the pain they have caused someone else. This is not an attempt to justify or to dismiss the pain of those who have been betrayed or hurt, but rather an attempt to provide resources for those who have made a mistake that affects others but genuinely want to change.
Now What?
As someone that has struggled all my life with insecurity, let alone complete honesty and vulnerability, it came as no surprise that when my sinful life was exposed for the last time I had no idea how to navigate or communicate the flood of emotions and fears that came with it. My secret life of lies and infidelity had crashed upon my wife and children like a tidal wave. What followed were long and uncertain days and weeks of peeling back the layers, sifting through 20 plus years of secrets, lies and darkness. Throughout that process I was forced to sit with this nagging, uncomfortable question: ‘Am I, as the offender, the adulterer, the liar allowed to say that I was hurting as well? Am I allowed to ask for compassion, to expect it even? Am I worthy of being heard, of being counseled and discipled even after everything I had done??’ I had so many questions, so much fear and anxiety about who I was and what I was allowed to feel or think. I had no idea how to fix what I had done. I felt like I was drowning in the shame and guilt that followed years of deceit. I was desperate to save my marriage, to save my family, but even more desperate NOT to feel this way ever again. After the initial blow up, weeks went by, and the waters began to calm. The overwhelming feeling of avoiding any ripples, let alone waves, was ever present in my mind. As a result of many questions and insecurities the notion that I could possibly dare to express my feelings and emotions was unthinkable to me. So, what now? What was I to do with this mess I had created and now found myself drowning in? Ignoring the problem wasn’t an option, not this time. I tried and failed using that plan too many times.
Thankfully the Lord knew my desperate situation and, in his sovereignty, already had the plan in place. He had placed me with the right people for this moment, and they were ready. What we found has proven to be the bedrock for the life I have now and the marriage that God rebuilt. If you’re anything like me, you’re one of the countless individuals impacted by the infidelity epidemic. The sobering reality of infidelity is that no one escapes the carnage that it brings. Often the aftermath leaves us with a myriad of questions and very few answers. There are countless books on different ways to endure or even potentially recover from the effects of infidelity, most often in the form of “self-healing” or “empowerment” and most often those books are written for the offended, not the offender. The truth is, more times than not the offender is simply ignored, minimized or written off all together. As a habitual offender/adulterer/liar, I have personally experienced all those things. Even in most churches and christian-couseling centers, the offender is often ignored or simply told “This is about your spouse, not you.” What are we supposed to do with that? While I don’t have answers to many questions, this I know for certain – if you are seeking counsel and your counselor is not genuinely asking about your well-being and diligently working with you to navigate the way through the mess that you’re in, find another counselor. Being told hard
truths out of love is crucial to healing and to true change. But never settle for counsel that dismisses your questions/fears and belittles your struggles. While we as offenders have much to be sorry for and much to change, we are no less valuable and no less treasured by our creator. As my father so simply said to me during one of the lowest points in my life,
“You matter, Zach. You matter too.”
Identity
Scripture is very clear that the father sees every sparrow and that he clothes the flowers in splendor. How much more does he love and value the ones that he created in his own image. Even though the road to repentance is marked by many difficulties, his promises are true and unchanging. Holding tightly to those promises and standing firmly in the truth and what he says about us and about who we are in him, will become the anchor for your new identity. An identity based on truth and humility and on gratitude. Coming to grips with this new reality will be a shock to the system. Especially as people who crave the approval of others. Approval is deeply rooted in the hearts and minds of those that struggle with sexual sin. It’s like our drug, our “feel better fast” pill. Once we repent and confess our sin, we must be willing and ready for the war ahead, and make no mistake, that is exactly what it is. We must be willing to sign up for battle and pick up our cross. As is true in any battle, ours will be painful and it will come at a cost. If there is any hope in seeing it through, we must teach ourselves to be okay. Okay during the sleepless nights, okay during the hard conversations with our spouse, our family and our counselors. Okay as we battle the regret and shame that so closely accompanies our sin. These will be dark, desperate days, but what better time to saturate yourself in the Word. Learn to immerse yourself in the always true, always faithful, always comforting word of God. Do not be deceived, this will be among the most difficult things you will ever have to do, but this endeavor is worthy of our best efforts. You must completely deny, completely kill the deep seeded addiction of seeking approval in others, regardless of if it is sexual in nature or not. No one commits adultery in a vacuum. It is not a stand-alone occurrence. It’s a result of deep seeded sexual sin. What you might view as an innocent conversation or innocent thought, will quickly become an attempt to fill the void of approval. Speak truth to yourself and recognize these things for what they are. Dietrich Bonhoeffer once said, “At this moment of lust, the reality of God fades.... Satan does not fill us with the hatred of God, but with a forgetfulness of God.”
Pain Tolerance
A big part of the reason we seek approval is to forget pain. The lack of emotional, spiritual and mental pain tolerance is a common thread among those of us who battle sexual sin. Developing tolerance is critical to overcoming our sinful desires. As we confess our sin, the urge to wall up, to hide, to feel better is ever present. However, the more you talk about
it, write about it, and most importantly write about it, the stronger your pain tolerance will become. Confession is complex. I remember being so confused right after I confessed in full. Why didn’t I feel better? In fact, I felt worse, much worse. It was nothing like I thought it would be. It was lonely, isolating and terrifying at first. Then slowly, day by day, as I
leaned more and more into Christ, the peace I had searched for, became very real. Be willing to endure the pain of obedience. The reward is sweeter than you can possibly imagine.
Humility
The sickening feeling of confessing your infidelity to the person you love the most is something I will never forget. Following that confession, the real-time lessons in humility became a daily occurrence. In order to serve our spouses rightly, we must overhaul the lense through which we view everything. Without that, we are doomed to fail. Everything
we see in them, think of them, think of ourselves must be through the lense of infinite gratitude for what Christ has done for us; even knowing how wretched we would be. When you look at your husband/wife from the vantage point, it becomes much easier to love them selflessly. There will be hard days and difficult conversations that follow your confession. There will be moments when your sin will be thrown in our face, be it intentionally or unintentionally. There will be a chance of separation and possibly even of
divorce. Through all of that, remember these wise words from a friend of mine, “There is no statute of limitations on serving your husband/wife. Don’t give up.” Pray for them. Pray for their healing. Pray that God would allow you to love and to see them as he does. Pray that he will make you know who you are in him. Humility is the root of gratitude. Gratitude
is the root of contentment. Humble yourself before the Lord. Be grateful for what he has done for you. Especially the painful things. Find your true contentment in him and watch how doing these things will allow you to love and serve the one he has given to you, even when they want nothing to do with you. None of this is easy. It requires a lot of tears, a lot
of soul searching and a lot of “Lord, help me to trust you more.” Although he has forgiven us, there are still consequences to the choices we have made. It won’t happen overnight and I’m certain that this will be a battle that I fight everyday this side of glory. Through it all, he promises to be near the broken hearted. This fight has eternal ramifications. Not only for us, but for our spouses and our children. The fight is worth fighting. My wife is worth it. My children are worth it. Most importantly, Christ is worth it.
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfector of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame and seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2
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