Try Something Different, Get Something Different: Understanding the Five Stages of Change

Jul 17

Change is one of those things everyone wants—until it's time to actually do it.

We want healthier relationships. We want freedom from destructive habits. We want to grow spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. But if we're honest, most of us discover that change is much harder than we imagined.

In this episode of Form: A Counseling Podcast, I sat down with my friend, mentor, and counselor Rick Dooley to discuss one of the most practical tools I've ever learned for understanding personal growth: the Five Stages of Change.

Whether you're struggling with anxiety, unhealthy relationships, addiction, anger, loneliness, or simply wanting to become more like Christ, these stages provide a realistic roadmap for what growth actually looks like.

Change Is a Process—Not an Event

One of the greatest misconceptions people have is that change happens instantly.

For Christians, this confusion often comes from mixing up conversion with sanctification.

The moment someone trusts Christ, they are made new. That happens in an instant.

But learning to think differently...
Respond differently...
Love differently...
Exercise self-control...
Walk in wisdom...

Those are lifelong processes.

The New Testament repeatedly commands believers to grow, mature, and be transformed. Scripture never promises that maturity arrives overnight.

Rick put it simply:

"Change is a process, not a one-time event."

That truth alone relieves an enormous amount of unnecessary guilt.

The Five Stages of Change

Developed by psychologists James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente, the Five Stages of Change have been used for decades in counseling, addiction recovery, healthcare, and behavioral science.

Although originally developed in clinical settings, the model describes something deeply human.

1. Pre-Contemplation: "I Don't Have a Problem."

This is the stage before someone even recognizes a need for change.

The signs are familiar:

Defensiveness
Justification
Blaming others
Rejecting feedback
Protecting unhealthy habits

Maybe someone points out your anger.

Your spending.

Your drinking.

Your isolation.

Your pride.

Your harsh communication.

Instead of considering the feedback, your instinct is:

"Mind your own business."

The challenge is that people in this stage usually can't see what everyone else can.

One of the strongest indicators that we're in pre-contemplation isn't necessarily the behavior itself.

It's our defensiveness.

2. Contemplation: "Maybe They're Right."

Eventually, consequences begin to pile up.

Relationships grow distant.

Health declines.

Loneliness increases.

The same conflict keeps repeating.

Now something shifts.

Instead of rejecting the possibility of change, we begin asking:

"Maybe I really do have a problem."

Notice...

Nothing has changed yet.

We're simply thinking.

That's why it's called contemplation.

Many people stay here for years.

They know something is wrong...

They just haven't done anything about it yet.

Why Do We Finally Change?

Rick shared one of the most memorable statements I've ever heard:

"Until the pain outweighs the pleasure, only then will you begin to change."

That's true in almost every area of life.

People rarely change because they receive more information.

They change because continuing the same way becomes too costly.

The pain finally outweighs the comfort of staying the same.

3. Preparation: "What Can I Do?"

This is where hope begins.

Instead of merely recognizing the problem, we start looking for solutions.

We read books.

Listen to podcasts.

Seek counseling.

Ask trusted friends.

Pray differently.

Search Scripture.

Preparation is gathering the tools necessary for change.

It's admitting:

"I don't know how to fix this, but I'm willing to learn."

That humility is often the turning point.

4. Action: Actually Doing Something Different

Knowledge isn't change.

Action is.

This is where we begin practicing new habits.

Maybe it's:

Learning to pause before speaking.
Asking better questions.
Going to counseling.
Joining a support group.
Establishing healthier routines.
Spending daily time with the Lord.
Replacing destructive coping mechanisms with healthy ones.

Notice the word practice.

No one becomes emotionally mature in a week.

No one masters patience overnight.

No one learns healthy relationships without making mistakes.

Growth feels awkward because it is.

5. Maintenance: A New Way of Living

Eventually, what once required intentional effort becomes increasingly natural.

Not perfect.

Natural.

Healthy habits become normal habits.

This doesn't mean temptation disappears.

It means the new lifestyle has become your default instead of your exception.

Growth Isn't Linear

Perhaps the most encouraging part of our conversation was this reminder:

Growth looks more like a roller coaster than a straight line.

You'll have victories.

You'll have setbacks.

You'll lose patience.

You'll fall back into old habits.

That doesn't mean you've failed.

Think about a toddler learning to walk.

No loving parent expects perfection after the first step.

They celebrate progress.

God does the same with His children.

The Role of Healthy Relationships

One connection that stood out during our conversation was how these stages intersect with the Eight Principles of Healthy Relationships we've covered on previous podcast episodes.

As we become more patient...

More humble...

More truthful...

More understanding...

We often become a mirror that reveals unhealthy patterns in others.

Sometimes people appreciate that.

Sometimes they resist it.

Healthy living naturally exposes unhealthy living—not because we're trying to judge anyone, but because contrast creates clarity.

Shame Doesn't Have to Win

One of the hardest moments in personal growth comes when we finally recognize how blind we've been.

It's easy to think:

"I should have known this years ago."

"How did I miss this?"

"I've wasted so much time."

Rick offered a beautiful perspective.

Instead of allowing shame to keep you stuck, let it become motivation.

Be thankful that you can see now what you couldn't see before.

That's evidence of growth.

Not failure.

The Apostle Paul reminds us in Philippians 3 that he refused to live trapped by his past.

Instead, he pressed forward toward what God had called him to become.

That's the invitation for every believer.