Ask the Counselor: Honor, Dreams, Counseling, and Biblical Assertiveness
One of the things we enjoy most at Form Counseling Ministry is answering real questions from people. Counseling often begins with a simple question: What do I do with this?
In a recent Q&A episode of Form: A Counseling Podcast, we explored several questions that touch on family relationships, recurring dreams, the role of counseling, and what it means to be biblically assertive.
Here are some of the key takeaways.
How Do You Honor a Parent Who Isn't Acting Honorably?
One listener asked:
How do you honor a parent who doesn't behave honorably and stirs up division in the family? When is it appropriate to set hard boundaries?
Before answering that question, we need to define honor.
The Bible commands children to obey their parents, but adult children are not commanded to obey their parents in every circumstance. The fifth commandment extends beyond childhood, but honoring a parent does not mean submitting to every demand a parent makes.
Jesus addressed a similar misunderstanding in Matthew 15. The Pharisees had developed traditions that allowed people to appear religious while actually neglecting God's commands—including the command to honor their father and mother.
The principle is important:
Human authority never supersedes God's authority.
For an adult child, honoring a parent may include respect, gratitude, appropriate care, listening, speaking respectfully, and refusing unnecessary contempt. But honor does not require participating in sin or submitting to sinful demands.
What About Boundaries?
Boundaries are sometimes necessary, but a healthy boundary is fundamentally about what you will do, not about controlling what another person does.
For example, saying, "You need to stop treating me this way," is a demand for someone else's behavior.
A boundary sounds more like:
"If you speak to me that way, I am going to end the conversation and we can try again later."
You cannot control another person's choices. You can take responsibility for your own.
That leads to several important principles:
Good boundaries don't require someone else to cooperate.
Enabling someone's sin isn't loving.
Protecting children from harmful influence is a parental responsibility.
Discomfort alone doesn't mean you should abandon a relationship.
Disagreement isn't automatically sin.
Adult children are not biblically required to obey their parents.
Sometimes honoring a parent means refusing to continue an unhealthy relational pattern.
In extreme circumstances, temporary or even substantial distance may be necessary. But cutting someone off should not become the automatic solution to every difficult relationship.
Romans 12:18 provides an important framework:
"If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all."
Notice the qualification: "as far as it depends on you."
You are responsible for your part.
You aren't responsible for making your parent repent, change, or respond appropriately.
Honor Isn't Based on Their Performance
Perhaps one of the most important ways to think about honoring a parent is this:
Your obedience to God isn't dependent upon your parent's obedience to God.
You can pursue Christ, walk faithfully, speak truthfully, establish appropriate boundaries, and seek the good of your parent even when that parent isn't doing the same.
The question isn't simply, "Are they treating me honorably?"
The deeper question is:
"What does faithfulness to God require of me in this relationship?"
What Should I Make of Recurring Dreams?
Another listener asked about recurring dreams that are frightening or disturbing.
Dreams are complicated, and Christians should be careful not to treat every dream as a message from God.
Scripture contains instances of God communicating through dreams, but Christians aren't looking for new revelation through their dreams today. The Bible is the sufficient revelation God has given us.
That doesn't mean dreams are meaningless.
Dreams can provide an interesting window into the things we may be processing, fearing, remembering, or thinking about without consciously recognizing it.
Sometimes the recurring dream may be worth examining—not because it contains secret revelation, but because the person having the dream may have something important to understand about themselves.
If you have a recurring nightmare, one practical exercise is to write it down as completely as possible.
Ask yourself:
What emotions are present?
What am I afraid of?
What keeps recurring?
What experiences or concerns have been occupying my thoughts?
Is there something I've been avoiding?
Is there a fear, desire, hurt, or insecurity that the dream seems to represent?
Then pray and bring those things before the Lord.
The goal isn't dream interpretation for its own sake. The goal is self-examination under the authority of Scripture.
As 2 Corinthians 10:5 teaches, we are called to take thoughts captive to Christ.
A recurring dream may not tell you something about the future. But it may prompt you to ask better questions about what is happening in your heart right now.
Is Our Culture Too Focused on Therapy?
Another question concerned the growing influence of therapy in our culture.
There is a legitimate concern about what could be called "therapy culture"—a tendency to interpret every difficulty primarily through feelings, diagnoses, or psychological categories.
There is also a legitimate danger in endless self-examination.
If every experience becomes:
"How does this make me feel?"
"What does this say about me?"
"How did this affect my emotional state?"
we can eventually become excessively focused on ourselves.
But there is an important distinction to make.
Counseling itself isn't the problem.
In fact, there are times when a person genuinely needs specialized counseling because they are facing problems they don't understand or know how to navigate.
The question isn't simply whether someone needs counseling.
The question is what kind of counseling they are receiving and what direction it is pointing them.
For Christians, counseling should ultimately be oriented toward truth, godliness, wisdom, responsibility, and growth in Christ—not merely toward feeling better.
When Do You Know It's Time for Counseling?
One of the most practical questions in the episode was:
When do I know it's time to start counseling?
A useful distinction is between discipleship and counseling.
Discipleship is fundamentally about growth. It helps someone who understands their life and needs to continue growing in Christ.
Counseling often becomes necessary when an obstacle is significant enough that a person doesn't understand how to move forward.
Think of it this way:
Discipleship is growth toward a goal. Counseling helps address obstacles that prevent growth.
There is certainly overlap. Counseling involves discipleship, and discipleship sometimes involves counsel. But counseling is particularly useful when someone can honestly say:
"I don't understand what's happening, and I don't know how to deal with it."
That is not a failure of faith.
Sometimes saying, "I'll just trust God and everything will work itself out," can actually become a way of avoiding responsibility.
God can work through counseling just as He works through preaching, friendship, pastoral care, and other ordinary means of grace and wisdom.
Counseling Isn't Simply Giving Advice
There is also an important difference between counseling and advice.
Advice says:
"Here's what you should do."
Good counseling helps a person understand truth deeply enough that they can begin to internalize it and live it out.
The goal isn't merely to give someone instructions. The goal is to help them understand, take responsibility, and develop the ability to walk forward wisely.
That makes the person's growth genuinely their own.
What Does Biblical Assertiveness Look Like?
Another listener asked an important question:
How do I discern the difference between being demanding and being assertive? And when is assertiveness selfish?
This is especially important for people who tend to be highly agreeable or people-pleasing.
Interestingly, highly agreeable people may feel guilty simply for being assertive, while highly disagreeable people may not realize when they have crossed the line into being demanding.
Biblical assertiveness can be summarized by the principle of speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15).
Consider the difference:
Passive:
"I guess it doesn't matter."
Aggressive:
"You never listen to me."
Assertive:
"When you interrupt me, I feel dismissed. I'd like to finish what I was saying."
The assertive response identifies the behavior without attacking the person's identity.
That's an important distinction.
Matthew 18 tells us to go and tell someone his fault. It doesn't tell us to tell someone what kind of person they are.
Instead of:
"You're selfish."
we can address the behavior:
"When you did that, it was hurtful and unhelpful."
Instead of:
"You always do this."
we can address the specific problem.
This makes our communication more accurate, more honest, and more useful.
Biblical Assertiveness Isn't About Getting Respect
This may be the most important distinction of all.
Modern ideas about assertiveness often focus on standing up for yourself, getting your needs met, or making sure other people respect you.
But the Christian asks a different question:
"What does faithfulness to God require of me in this relationship?"
Sometimes faithfulness means speaking.
Sometimes it means saying no.
Sometimes it means confronting.
Sometimes it means forgiving.
Sometimes it means enduring something difficult.
And sometimes it means leaving an unhealthy situation.
The controlling principle isn't self-assertion.
It's faithfulness to God expressed through truth, courage, love, wisdom, and appropriate boundaries.
A Good Place to Start
If you're not naturally assertive, start small.
Learn to:
Ask for what you need.
Say no when saying no is appropriate.
Address problems early rather than allowing resentment to build.
Speak about specific behaviors rather than attacking someone's character.
Stop confusing guilt with obligation.
Remember that disagreement doesn't automatically mean you've done something wrong.
And remember why you're being assertive.
Biblical assertiveness isn't primarily about making yourself feel better. It's about pursuing what is good, true, and faithful.
The Common Thread
At first glance, these questions may seem unrelated.
What do I do with a difficult parent?
What do I make of recurring dreams?
When should I seek counseling?
How do I become more assertive?
But there is a common thread running through all of them:
How do I respond faithfully when life isn't working the way I think it should?
Christian counseling isn't simply about eliminating uncomfortable emotions or making difficult circumstances disappear.
It's about helping people understand what is happening, take responsibility for their responses, pursue truth, and move forward in a way that honors Christ.
Sometimes that means establishing a boundary.
Sometimes it means examining your own heart.
Sometimes it means seeking counseling.
Sometimes it means having a difficult conversation.
And sometimes it means learning that faithfulness doesn't require you to control the other person.
The goal isn't simply to feel better.
The goal is to become more faithful.
