MIND-TRAP(S) #3 Transferring Blame and Hiding Behind Rhetorical Questions

One of the most difficult parts of personal growth is realizing that we are not always aware of what is happening in our own thinking.

As we become more aware of irrational thinking, we often discover something surprising: we can even think irrationally about our irrational thinking. The more light that shines into our minds, the more we begin to see.

That can be uncomfortable. But awareness is not the enemy. Awareness is the beginning of change.

In this episode of Mind Traps, Rick Dooley and Devin Leitch examine two common thinking errors: transferring and rhetorical questions. Both are ways we can avoid responsibility, disguise what we really mean, and create unnecessary conflict in our relationships.

Change Is Not a One-Time Event

The five stages of change—pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance—are easy to imagine as a straight line. But real change is often more circular.

We can move forward, make progress, and then return to old patterns of thinking. In fact, this can happen repeatedly in different areas of life.

You may recognize a problem with an addiction and begin working toward recovery. Later, you may realize that your marriage needs attention. Then you may discover patterns in your parenting, communication, anger, or thought life that also need to change.

Growth often exposes more areas that need growth.

Rick described it like this: the brighter the light shines, the more dust you can see. As awareness increases, we see things that were already there but were previously hidden from us.

For the Christian, this should not lead to despair. It should lead us toward humility and dependence upon the grace of God. We are not expected to become perfect overnight. We are learning to recognize, identify, challenge, and correct unhealthy patterns.

Mind Trap #1: Transferring

Transferring is handing accountability and responsibility for our own actions to someone or something else.

It is essentially the blaming trap.

Instead of taking responsibility for our emotions and behaviors, we explain them by pointing somewhere else:

• “He made me angry.”

• “She was rude, so I had to respond that way.”

• “It was their fault.”

• “They made me do it.”

• “If only they would change, then I would change.”

• “It happened because of them.”

The problem is not that other people never affect us. They do.

People can make circumstances harder. Someone can treat us unfairly. Someone can be rude, disrespectful, or hurtful. Circumstances can be genuinely difficult.

But there is a difference between saying “This person affected me” and saying “This person caused my response.”

The first recognizes reality.

The second transfers responsibility.

Israel and the Blame Trap

The Exodus provides a powerful picture of this pattern.

After Israel experienced the miraculous crossing of the Red Sea, they soon encountered hunger and thirst. Instead of responding with trust and responsibility, they repeatedly blamed Moses:

“You brought us out here to kill us.”

The remarkable thing is how quickly this happened after witnessing God's deliverance. The Red Sea was behind them, yet their circumstances immediately became more important than what God had already done.

They had seen God's power, but they still interpreted difficulty through fear and blame.

And perhaps the most important lesson is this:

We should not merely read the story of Israel and ask, “What was wrong with them?” We should ask, “Where am I like them?”

It is easy to see irrational thinking in someone else. It is much harder to recognize it in ourselves.

The Words That Reveal Transferring

One of the easiest ways to recognize transferring is to listen for certain words and phrases.

Pay attention to:

“He.”
“She.”
“It.”
“You made me…”
“It’s because of them…”
“If only they would…”
“It’s their fault.”

Consider the difference:

“He makes me so angry.”

versus

“I feel angry.”

The first puts someone else in the driver's seat of your emotions.

The second acknowledges your responsibility.

That does not mean the other person's behavior was acceptable. It means you are refusing to surrender responsibility for your response.

Our thoughts influence our emotions, and our emotions influence our behavior. If we consistently say, “He makes me angry,” we are describing ourselves as though we have no control over what happens next.

But we do have responsibility for what we do with what happens to us.

“But They Really Did Do It!”

This is where transferring becomes especially difficult.

Sometimes they really did do it.

Someone really was rude.

Someone really did hurt you.

Someone really did fail you.

The goal is not to pretend that bad behavior didn't happen. The goal is to tell the truth without using someone else's behavior as an excuse for our own.

Instead of:

“She was rude, so of course I cursed her out.”

we might say:

“She was rude. I became angry, and I chose to respond in a way I regret.”

The second statement is harder.

But it is also more truthful.

And truth creates the possibility of change.

Accountability Is Freedom

Accountability can initially feel restrictive. We may think that taking responsibility means admitting that everything is our fault.

That's not what accountability means.

Accountability asks a simpler question:

“What's my part in this?”

You may not be responsible for what another person did.

But you are responsible for what you do next.

That distinction is enormously important in counseling, marriage, parenting, and spiritual growth.

When we refuse to transfer responsibility, we regain something we gave away: agency.

If someone else is responsible for my emotions, then I have to wait for them to change before I can change.

But if I am responsible for my response, I can begin changing today.

Teaching Responsibility in the Family

This is especially important in parenting.

Children naturally blame others. When two children come running inside after an argument, one will often immediately explain:

“He did this!”

or

“She started it!”

Rather than simply shutting down the argument with “Stop it,” we can help children learn to tell the truth about what happened while also taking responsibility for their own actions.

The goal isn't merely to make a child behave.

The goal is to teach a child how to think.

If a child hits a sibling because the sibling took a toy, stopping the hitting is necessary. But simply saying “Stop hitting” does not necessarily address the heart.

We can help the child ask:

• What happened?

• What did I want?

• What was I thinking?

• What did I feel?

• What did I choose to do?

• What was I hoping would happen?

• Did my response accomplish what I wanted?

This moves discipline beyond simply controlling behavior. It begins teaching self-awareness and responsibility.

And when children learn to speak truthfully about their own actions, they develop a vocabulary that can serve them for the rest of their lives.

Mind Trap #2: Rhetorical Questions

A rhetorical question is not necessarily irrational. But in this context, a rhetorical question becomes a statement masquerading as a question.

You aren't actually asking for information.

You're making a point.

And often, that point is criticism.

Consider:

“Are you really going to wear that to church?”

That sounds like a question.

But what is actually being communicated?

“You shouldn't wear that.”

Or:

“Why would you do such a thing?”

The speaker may not actually want an explanation. The message is closer to:

“You shouldn't have done that.”

The question becomes a disguise for criticism.

The Hidden “Should”

Rhetorical questions frequently contain a hidden demand or “should.”

“Didn't you do the dishes?”

may really mean:

“You should have done the dishes.”

“Why would you do that?”

may mean:

“You shouldn't have done that.”

“How could you make that mistake?”

may mean:

“You should never make mistakes like that.”

Once you learn to recognize this pattern, you begin to hear rhetorical questions differently.

The question mark doesn't necessarily mean that someone is seeking information.

Sometimes the question mark is hiding an accusation.

Rhetorical Questions and Passive-Aggressive Communication

This is where rhetorical questions can become particularly destructive in relationships.

There are different forms of communication:

• Passive: I don't express what I want.

• Aggressive: I use other people to get what I want.

• Passive-aggressive: I don't directly say what I want, but I manipulate the other person into receiving the message.

• Assertive: I honestly and respectfully communicate what I want or feel.

Passive-aggressive communication often comes through the back door.

Instead of saying what we mean, we make the other person figure it out.

Instead of:

“I would prefer that you not wear that to church, and here's why.”

we ask:

“Are you really going to wear that?”

The first is honest.

The second forces the other person to interpret the hidden message.

That difference can radically change a relationship.

Speak the Truth Without Hiding Behind It

There is something profoundly healthy about learning to speak directly.

Instead of:

“Why would you do such a thing?”

try:

“I feel upset about what happened.”

Instead of:

“Are you really going to wear that?”

try:

“I would prefer that you wear something different.”

Instead of:

“How could you have made that mistake?”

try:

“Can we talk about what happened so we can figure out how to prevent it next time?”

This doesn't mean becoming demanding.

In fact, assertiveness requires humility.

You can clearly state what you think, feel, or prefer while recognizing that the other person may disagree.

“I would prefer…” does not mean “You must.”

That distinction is critical.

We can move from passive-aggressive communication into demanding communication if we aren't careful. The goal isn't to manipulate people more effectively. The goal is to communicate truthfully and respectfully.

What About Sarcasm?

Sarcasm and passive-aggressive communication can be especially damaging because they allow us to communicate something while avoiding responsibility for having said it.

One way of describing this is:

Trying to tell the truth without taking responsibility for the truth you're telling.

That creates an environment where people stop knowing what words mean.

Is the person joking?

Are they serious?

Are they angry?

Are they criticizing me?

Do they actually want an answer?

Over time, that uncertainty erodes trust.

Real questions should be allowed to be real questions.

If you want to know something, ask.

If you're angry, say you're angry.

If you have a preference, state your preference.

If someone hurt you, tell them.

Don't make them decode you.

The Power of the First Person

One of the simplest tools discussed in the episode is remarkably practical:

Move from “he, she, or it” to “I.”

“He makes me angry” becomes:

“I became angry.”

“She made me feel this way” becomes:

“I felt this way.”

“It made me lose my temper” becomes:

“I lost my temper.”

That tiny linguistic shift can expose a major difference in our thinking.

The goal isn't to deny what happened.

The goal is to acknowledge my response to what happened.

Awareness Changes Relationships

As we learn these patterns, we may initially become more frustrated.

Suddenly we hear “I can't,” “I have to,” “they made me,” and rhetorical questions everywhere.

But awareness is only the beginning.

The goal is to recognize, identify, challenge, and correct.

And that process can change an entire family.

Imagine a household where people can say:

“I think I'm transferring.”

Or:

“That sounded like a rhetorical question. What are you actually trying to tell me?”

Or:

“I'm angry, but I'm responsible for what I do with that anger.”

That kind of vocabulary gives people a way to interrupt patterns that may have existed for generations.

Sometimes nobody intentionally created the pattern. People simply inherited it, repeated it, and passed it along.

Awareness gives us an opportunity to break the cycle.

The Christian Hope: Grace While We Grow

There is a danger in learning about irrational thinking: we can become irrational about our own irrationality.

We discover another problem and immediately think:

“I can't believe I do that too.”

But the answer isn't shame.

It is growth.

The more light that shines into our lives, the more we see. That doesn't mean we're getting worse. It may mean we're finally seeing clearly.

For the Christian, this process takes place under the grace of God.

We don't have to pretend that our thinking is healthy when it isn't.

We don't have to defend ourselves.

We don't have to blame somebody else.

And we don't have to become overwhelmed by everything we discover.

We can simply begin with the next truthful statement:

“What's my part in this?”

That question may be uncomfortable.

But it is also freeing.

Because when we stop transferring responsibility, we can begin taking responsibility.

When we stop hiding behind rhetorical questions, we can begin speaking honestly.

And when we learn to tell the truth with humility, patience, kindness, and accountability, our relationships can begin to change—not merely because other people change, but because we do.

And often, when we change, the people around us begin to change too.