MIND-TRAP(S) #4 Absolutes & Prejudice
When Our Thinking Leaves No Room for Reality
By Devin Leitch | Form: A Counseling Podcast
Our thoughts matter.
Not every thought that enters our minds is true, helpful, or worth following. Because we live in a fallen world and have fallen hearts, irrational thinking is something every one of us encounters. The question is not whether irrational thoughts will occur, but what we will do with them when they do.
In our ongoing Mind Traps series on Form: A Counseling Podcast, Rick Dooley and I have been examining some of the major categories of irrational thinking, often called cognitive distortions.
These mind traps are important because they don't simply affect the way we think. They affect the way we speak, the way we behave, the way we relate to other people, and ultimately the way we relate to God.
The goal is not merely to identify irrational thinking. The goal is to challenge irrationality with virtue and grow into the image of Christ.
As Rick has emphasized throughout this series, the ultimate relationship we are pursuing is not simply better relationships with our spouse, children, coworkers, or friends. The ultimate goal is intimacy with Christ. Everything else ultimately competes with, contributes to, or flows out of that relationship.
Thinking About Our Thinking
One of the important distinctions in this series is that having an irrational thought is not necessarily the same thing as consciously choosing sin.
A thought may arise automatically. What matters is what we do with it.
Do we examine it? Do we challenge it? Do we take it captive? Or do we accept it as true and allow it to lead us?
The New Testament repeatedly calls us to pay attention to our minds. We are told to take thoughts captive, to be transformed by the renewing of our minds, and to recognize that what comes out of our mouths ultimately reveals what is happening in our hearts.
This is why self-awareness matters.
If we never question our own thinking, we can easily begin treating our thoughts as though they are facts. Eventually, those thoughts shape our emotions, our behavior, and our relationships.
That is where a mind trap gets its power.
A mind trap takes something that may have begun as a thought, feeling, assumption, or perception and turns it into a framework through which we interpret everything else.
In this episode, we examined two more of these traps:
Absolutes and Prejudice.
1. Absolutes: Turning One Event into a Universal Rule
Rick defines absolutes this way:
Absolutes treat a single event as a universal rule that applies everywhere and forever.
The problem with an absolute is that it takes something that happened once, sometimes, or often and turns it into something that happens always.
The context disappears.
The possibilities disappear.
Everything becomes black and white.
Some of the classic "snark words" that reveal absolute thinking are:
Always
Never
Forever
Every
Everyone
No one
Everything
Nothing
Every time
Best
Worst
Consider the statement:
"You never do anything right."
That statement is almost certainly not literally true.
But more importantly, it isn't very useful.
Perhaps the person made a mistake. Perhaps they have repeatedly made the same mistake. Perhaps there is a legitimate problem that needs to be addressed.
But saying, "You never do anything right" transforms a specific problem into a statement about the person's entire identity and history.
Now the person isn't simply dealing with a mistake.
They are defending themselves against a verdict.
Instead of:
"You left the door open again."
we say:
"You always leave the door open."
Instead of:
"I've struggled with this."
we say:
"I always mess this up."
Instead of:
"I've failed in this area."
we say:
"I'm a failure."
The first statements leave room for change.
The second statements close the door.
Absolutes Destroy Possibility
This is one of the most damaging characteristics of absolute thinking: it removes possibilities.
If I say, "I always fail," then why try?
If I say, "Nothing I ever do is good enough," then what is the point of working?
If I say, "Nobody will ever understand me," then why pursue relationship?
If I say, "It will take forever," then why begin?
Absolute thinking creates a future that has already been decided.
And that can produce hopelessness.
Rick pointed out that when someone tells themselves, "Nothing I ever do is good enough," they don't simply experience a negative thought. They begin losing hope. The absolute statement makes improvement appear impossible because the future has already been declared.
But what if the statement were changed?
Instead of:
"Nothing I ever do is good enough."
What if we said:
"I've made mistakes, but I can learn from them."
Instead of:
"I always strike out."
What if we said:
"I struck out. I need more practice."
Instead of:
"It will take forever."
What if we said:
"This will take time, but I can continue working toward it."
The circumstances haven't necessarily changed.
The thinking has.
And when the thinking changes, new possibilities become visible.
Absolutes Can Be Used Against Ourselves
It is often easier to recognize irrational thinking when someone else is doing it.
We can hear someone say:
"You always do this."
and immediately recognize the exaggeration.
But we can say:
"I'm never enough."
and accept it without question.
We can recognize someone else's "You never do anything right," while allowing our own internal voice to say, "Nothing I ever do is good enough."
We have to remember that we have a relationship with ourselves, too.
The way we speak to ourselves matters.
There is wisdom in the idea of treating yourself as someone responsible for helping. We don't help ourselves by constantly labeling ourselves as stupid, worthless, hopeless, or incapable.
We help ourselves by speaking truthfully.
That doesn't mean flattering ourselves or pretending that our failures aren't real.
It means keeping them right-sized.
"I made a mistake" is different from "I am a mistake."
"I struggled with this" is different from "I can't do anything."
"I need more practice" is different from "I'm stupid."
The first statements acknowledge reality while leaving room for growth.
The Virtue That Corrects Absolutes: Rational Thinking
If an absolute says something is true 100% of the time, we should ask:
"Is that actually factual?"
If someone says:
"You always leave the door open."
We can ask:
"Is that true every single time?"
If the answer is no, then "always" isn't accurate.
Maybe the more rational statement is:
"You often leave the door open."
That might not feel as powerful, but it is more truthful.
Rational thinking requires us to deal with facts rather than exaggeration.
It also requires humility.
We don't have to defend our original thought simply because we've had it for a long time.
We can examine it.
We can discover that we were wrong.
We can learn something new.
We can change our minds.
That's not weakness.
That's wisdom.
2. Prejudice: Judging Before the Evidence Is In
The word prejudice is often associated exclusively with racial or ethnic discrimination.
But in this series, we are using the concept more broadly.
Prejudice is pre-judging.
It is making a judgment before we have all the evidence.
It can happen with people.
It can happen with circumstances.
It can happen with experiences.
It can even happen with ourselves.
Prejudice often shows up through labels, stereotypes, personalizations, and put-downs.
Some examples include:
"He's an idiot."
"She's a loser."
"They're stupid."
"That's pathetic."
"They're all like that."
"People like that never change."
"I'm too stupid to understand this."
"I'm just a failure."
"Everyone from that group is the same."
Notice how quickly a complex person or situation gets reduced to a simple label.
The label becomes the lens through which we see everything else.
Labels Turn People into Categories
When we call someone "stupid," we aren't simply describing one decision they made.
We are attempting to define the person.
That's why labels are so powerful.
Instead of:
"That was a foolish decision."
we say:
"You're an idiot."
Instead of:
"You handled that situation poorly."
we say:
"You're pathetic."
Instead of:
"You failed at this task."
we say:
"You're a loser."
The first statement addresses behavior.
The second attacks identity.
And once we put a label on someone, we tend to interpret everything else through that label.
This is especially dangerous when prejudice is combined with absolutes.
"They always do that."
"People like him are all the same."
"She's never going to change."
Now the person isn't merely being judged.
Their future has been predetermined.
Prejudice Robs People of the Possibility of Change
One of the most destructive things about prejudging someone is that it prevents us from seeing who they might become.
If I decide that someone is "stupid," I may stop listening to them.
If I decide that someone is "a loser," I may stop expecting anything from them.
If I decide that someone "never changes," I may stop giving them opportunities to grow.
And if I decide those things about myself, I may stop trying altogether.
This is why prejudice is a mind trap.
It creates a closed system.
I've already decided who you are, so nothing you do can change my mind.
Or:
I've already decided who I am, so there is no reason to try.
But people can grow.
People can learn.
People can repent.
People can change.
People can develop new skills.
People can become wiser.
People can become more like Christ.
And that means we need to leave room for possibilities.
The Virtue That Corrects Prejudice: Being Unprejudiced
The opposite of prejudice is being unprejudiced.
That means challenging our personal biases and conceptualizing possibilities.
Instead of saying:
"This person is just like that."
we ask:
"What else could be true?"
Instead of:
"I'll never understand this."
we ask:
"What if I keep practicing?"
Instead of:
"Everyone from that group is this way."
we ask:
"What do I actually know about this individual person?"
Being unprejudiced doesn't mean believing everything.
It doesn't mean abandoning discernment.
It doesn't mean pretending that differences don't exist.
It means refusing to make a judgment before the evidence is in.
It means being open-minded enough to listen.
It means being willing to receive feedback.
It means recognizing that someone else may know something you don't.
That requires humility.
Humility, Understanding, and Sincerity
Several of the principles of healthy relationships help correct prejudice.
Temperate
Being temperate means being right-sized.
I don't know everything.
I don't have all the answers.
I may be wrong.
Someone else may have something to teach me.
That kind of humility creates room for growth.
Understanding
Understanding means being caring and considerate.
Instead of immediately judging someone, we become inquisitive.
"Why does this person think this way?"
"What am I missing?"
"What has happened in their life?"
"Is there something I don't understand?"
We begin treating people the way we want to be treated.
Sincere
Sincerity allows us to appreciate differences rather than automatically treating differences as threats.
Someone may have different preferences, experiences, personalities, or perspectives without being stupid, inferior, or worthless.
We don't have to agree with everyone to treat them with dignity.
Even Profanity Can Become a Shortcut for Thinking
One interesting part of this discussion involved profanity.
This isn't about becoming legalistic about vocabulary. In a counseling setting, Rick isn't primarily concerned with policing whether someone uses a curse word.
Instead, he becomes curious about what the word is doing.
Sometimes profanity becomes a shortcut.
Instead of articulating a thought, we drop a curse word.
Instead of identifying what we're actually angry about, we use an expletive.
Instead of explaining what we believe, we use a loaded word to communicate emotion.
The question becomes:
"What are you really trying to say?"
That is an important counseling question—and an important personal question.
When you're angry enough to curse, stop and ask:
What am I actually trying to communicate?
What happened?
What do I believe about what happened?
What do I want the other person to understand?
What am I asking for?
Taking the time to articulate our thoughts forces us to think about them.
And sometimes that is exactly what we need.
The Goal Isn't Merely Better Thinking
At the end of the day, this series isn't simply about learning psychological terminology.
It isn't about becoming intellectually sophisticated enough to identify cognitive distortions in everyone else.
The goal is much bigger.
We want to become more like Christ.
We want to grow in truth.
We want to become more rational, humble, understanding, sincere, and open to reality.
We want our thinking to produce healthy relationships rather than destroy them.
And ultimately, we want our relationships with other people to contribute to our relationship with God rather than compete with it.
As Rick put it, the ultimate relationship goal is knowing Christ—not merely knowing theology about Christ, but knowing Christ as our treasured relationship above all.
That changes the way we approach our own thinking.
Instead of asking only:
"Is this thought true?"
we can also ask:
"Where is this thought taking me?"
Is it taking me toward truth or away from it?
Toward humility or pride?
Toward responsibility or blame shifting?
Toward relationship or isolation?
Toward hope or despair?
Toward Christ or away from Him?
Your Homework: Challenge the Mind Trap
This week, pay attention to the words you use in your own mind.
Listen for:
Always.
Never.
Everyone.
No one.
Everything.
Nothing.
Forever.
Best.
Worst.
Then listen for labels:
Stupid.
Loser.
Idiot.
Pathetic.
Worthless.
They always...
People like that...
I'm just...
When you catch one, don't simply condemn yourself for thinking it.
Challenge it.
Ask:
Is this actually factual?
Am I turning one event into a universal rule?
Am I leaving room for change?
Am I judging before I have all the evidence?
What possibilities am I refusing to consider?
What would a right-sized, rational, understanding response look like?
Where is this thought leading me?
Then replace irrationality with virtue.
Don't simply identify the trap.
Walk out of it.
The challenge this week is simple:
Look for irrational thinking in yourself and challenge those thoughts with the corresponding principles of a healthy relationship. Challenge irrationality with virtue.
Because the goal isn't simply to think differently.
The goal is to live differently.
And as our thinking becomes more truthful, humble, and right-sized, we become better equipped to love God, love others, and grow into the image of Christ.
